Wanted: Baptist Minister for Growing Church

I found this in The Teaching Ministry of the Pulpit by Craig Skinner a few years ago.  I hope you find it as funny as I always do.

Wanted: Baptist Minister for Growing Church

A real challenge for the right man!  Opportunity to become better acquainted with people!

Applicant must offer experience as: shop worker, office manager, educator (all levels, including college), artist, salesman, diplomat, writer, theologian, politician, Boy Scout leader, children’s worker, minor league athlete, psychologist, vocational counselor, psychiatrist, funeral director, wedding consultant, master of ceremonies, circus clown, missionary, social worker.  Helpful but not essential: experience as butcher, baker, cowboy, Western Union messenger.

Must know all about problems of birth, marriage, and death; also conversant with the latest theories and practices in areas like pediatrics, economics, and nuclear science.

Right man will hold firm views on every topic, but is careful not to upset people who disagree.  Must be forthright but flexible; returns criticism and back-biting with Christian love and forgiveness.

Should have outgoing, friendly disposition at all times; should be captivating speaker and intent listener; will pretend he enjoys hearing women talk.

Education must be beyond Pd.D. requirements, but always concealed in homespun modesty and folksy talk.  Able to sound learned at times, but most of the time talks and acts like good-old-Joe.  Familiar with literature read by average congregation.

Must be willing to work long hours; subject to call any time day or night; adaptable to sudden interruptions.  Will spend at least 25 hours preparing sermon; additional 10 hours reading books and magazines.

Applicant’s wife must be both stunning and plain; smartly attired but conservative in appearance; gracious and able to get along with everyone, even women.  Must be willing to work in church kitchen, teach Sunday School, babysit, run multilith machine, wait tables, never listen to gossip, never become discouraged.

Applicant’s children must be exemplary in conduct and character; well behaved, yet basically no different from other children; decently dressed.

Opportunity for applicant to live close to work.  Furnished home provided; open-door hospitality enforced.  Must be ever mindful the house does not belong to him.

Directly responsible for views and conduct to all church members and visitors; not confined to direction or support from any one person.  Salary not commensurate with experience or need; no overtime pay.  All replies kept confidential.  Anyone applying will undergo full investigation to determine sanity.

From: Crusader (Valley Forge, PA: American Baptist Convention, March 1962)

Found in: Skinner, Craig. The Teaching Ministry of the Pulpit. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1973.